I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize