I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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