Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
