Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
