My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
