you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
