got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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