I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
