i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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