I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
meet me or not, i'm out of control
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
