who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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