My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Randomize
