I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
