so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
