Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
