im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
