when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
