you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
