the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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