dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
