my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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