my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
