My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
