Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
