Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
