There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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