u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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