i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
