Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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