She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
