my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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