fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
