god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
