I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
