I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
