Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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