im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
