After last night, I could never be a politician.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Four minutes until I can fart!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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