I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
nutella sex= disaster
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
