she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
