i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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