I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize