A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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