I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
