Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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