I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize