First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
