Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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