My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
