Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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