oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
