We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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