you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
