Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
