So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize