Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
