if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
