Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
