Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
