Sober January is a disaster.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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