Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
