i already hear my dad disowning me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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