Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
