In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
