nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize