She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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