I can text with my tongue
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
